The Zen of Sarcasm

 01. Do not walk behind  me, for I may not lead.
         Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
         Do not  walk beside me either.
         Just pretty much leave me alone.

02.  The journey of a  thousand miles begins
         with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It’s always darkest  before dawn.
         So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the  time to do it.
 04.  Don’t be  irreplaceable.
         If you can’t be  replaced, you can’t be promoted.

05.  Always remember that  you’re unique. 
         Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth  of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody  cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize  someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
         That way, when you criticize  them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you  don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish  and he will eat for a day.
         Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat  and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone  $20 and never see that person again,
          it was probably a wise  investment.

12. If you tell the  truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the  bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems  normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to  double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your  pocket.

16. A closed mouth  gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like  ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe  together.

18. There are two  theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking,  you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20.  Experience is  something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good  chance to shut up.
 22. Never, under any  circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.


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