Loss & pain

I was hesitant to share this. I guess because it still is difficult to look at his photo. My little baby cat Rama died. He was hit by a car, I guess. Someone found him in the alley behind the building. They wrapped him in some paper and left him in the communal garden.

My friend came knocking, crying, asking when was the last time I had seen Rama. My blood turned cold as I realized what might be happening. I followed her to find Rama, wrapped, dead. His eyes were empty, void, and had a little blood that came out of his nose.

I couldn’t believe my little baby was dead, in front of me, wrapped in some generic paper. In a sense it was like a gift, an early Christmas gift. The message was clear. Enjoy life while¬† you can. The problem is that we think we have time. We don’t.

I asked my friend what could I do with his body. She said I could bury him in the garden. We dug up a deep hole. I went back to my apartment to get my favorite sarong from India. It is orange with lots of mantras written on it. One of them is ‘Hare Rama’. I wrapped his body in it, placed him in the hole, and covered it up.

Later on that night I grabbed a large handful of incense, my Mala, and went back to the garden. I lit all of them at once. The smoke filled the whole area. I laid the Mala on top and left.

It is strange to be home without him. I have two other cats, Raja and Ganesh.

I know it’s difficult for others to empathize with another’s loss or pain, but Rama was my friend, family, and he will be missed.

I love you and miss you, Rama. ūüôā



Weird day, weird life.

I have thought about ending life many times but lately the feeling is getting stronger. I just don’t see the purpose of all of this crap. We is absolutely no point to this existence. Greed has made man a demon and he is destroying everything that is worth a damn. Everyone is nicely settled in their own bubble.

Usually I think of doing art when I feel like this. Even that didn’t bring me any sense of purpose or fulfillment. I guess we just wake up, do some stuff and then go to sleep.

Most people in this country are blind to what the filthy rich are doing in their name around the world and domestically as well…or maybe they just don‚Äôt care. I don‚Äôt know. It makes me think of the movie The Matrix. They are plugged into this matrix that tells them what to see, think, feel. Americans have been brainwashed. It is sad because their are many great people here.

It is possible the food plays a great part. I don’t know.

Oh well, that’s all folks.

Caesar watching the Super Bowl

So I just watched the Super Bowl. It was interesting to watch and the athletes were amazing. Both teams gave their best.

However it is crazy to see the amount of money and attention that goes into something like this…a game, entertainment, a distraction.

It is sickening to see the team’s owners in their special boxes looking down at their investments like Caesar looking down at the coliseum stage. The coliseum where the masses were duped and distracted by the true owners and leaders of the country.

Could you imagine if, instead of the winnings going to the owners, the winnings would go to the city or State of the winning team to help fix the economic problems such as education, housing, poverty, health, clean water, and city development. This, this would be an amazing game indeed.

Coral beach

I haven’t been home in a while so my friends brought me to a secluded beach. It is such a lovely intimate quiet place. I spent the whole time looking for beautiful pieces of corals on the shore. 

I took comfort in the sounds of the waves crashing and wind and birds up above. I collected quite a few coral pieces. I am hoping to make jewelry with them. 

The searching and finding of pieces was like a meditation in stillness and peace which I desperately needed. 

I also found pieces of drift wood. I am not sure yet what I will do with them. 

Oh and a natural sponge as well. Nature is amazingly beautiful. 

You can see here the amount of coral piece that is in this beach. 

This is the beach. Stunning, no?

I would use every little time I had to go up there even if it was for thirty minutes. 

As my time here is coming to an end I have mixed feelings about where I am in life. I know the perception of life here is skewed because I am in vacation but I can’t help thinking that this place is paradise, that life is short, and that I need to decide soon where I want to live. 

I feel like disappearing

I have unfollowed more than 70% of my ‘friends’ on Facebook. I see too many childish remarks about Trump; not enough critique about Obama. I have a difficult time understanding the lack of critical thinking from most of them. Every thing seems to be divided into teams and your team must win at all cost, and of course your team is never wrong.

I voted for neither of these parties. I voted for Jill Stein. I believed in her platform, and yet now that I analyze the ‘teams’ it would seem like the Green party is playing the same game as the other ones. There seem to be an identity associated with belonging to these groups. This identity seems to be more important than solving problems.

As I look at this landscape of confusion, hatred, and chaos it makes me want to disappear. Nature is always a good place for that. I am living for Guadeloupe, my home, for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the ocean, the food and yes, some rum will help.




Once in a while I like to meditate, not as a verb or action. I like to just sit and let it all be. It’s so interesting to see how much we want to control, how much we feel we don’t.
I like to release my grasp on what I think is important, and let my true nature express itself.
Meditation for me is an act of abandonment.
Meditation is see clearly that there really is nothing to do.
My biggest source of joy is to not try to be happy. It’s so painful when you believe you have to be happy.
Meditation is to tune in.
There is but one, with no parts.

The Facebook dilemma…

I posted a photo, hum…here, let me show you:


Then, the next day, I was flagged and blocked from posting anything else for 24 hours. Here’s the message I posted when I was able to:

Fascinating, the henna photo previously posted by me offended someone and they flaggled it and for that I say go f@ck yourself who ever you are.

This country is interesting, you can go invade a country, kill hundreds of thousands of people but the sight one shaded nipple makes you uncomfortable?

It’s MY wall. If you see something there you don’t like, MOVE ON!But then again, you’ve decided that who I f@ck is your concern, you’ve decided who I marry is your concern, you’ve decided how I procreate is your concern.You know what should be your concern? Your own stupidity. It is alarming and dangerous and I wish I could flag that.

So I’ve decided to hang out here for a while until I can figure out what I’ll do about this Facebook situation.

Soon school starts…

That’s a mouthful to say.

Hum, so I haven’t written anything here lately…Duh! School starts soon and I can’t wait. This will be a great school year, I can feel it. Next project will be Graduate school. I’m not sure where I’ll go. I guess it depends where I get the most money.

I feel good. I don’t know why and I guess it doesn’t matter. I just feel good. It feels great to be alive, to have this body and to experience this universe. I wish I could live forever but I guess the fact that I won’t makes life so precious.

The wheels of life keep turning…I belong to you.


Native American funeral
Native American funeral

My friend’s grand mother died yesterday so I called her in Guadeloupe. We had a great chat. She said that granma’ was 92 and was tired of not being able to move and do thing on her own. She had to have people bathing and changing her. She just decided to stop eating until she died. She died in a hospital bed.

So I told my friend that I would probably do the same thing were it me in that position but, I told her, if she’s around, to make sure not to leave me in the hospital. I want to die looking at the sunset over the ocean.

I have to move on…

meditating on the deck This is hard…I’ve been here before…sort of.

A clean break is all I need. Run, run, don’t look back or you’ll turn into a pillar of salt, frozen in time, frozen in pain.

My heart is agitated in fear, in pain waiting for the final blow, the final crush.

I believe did the right thing. It an endless vortex…the black hole…my love.

I’m too weak to face it all. I can’t sit on the sidelines anymore. I wish I could, I wish I could be there for you. ¬†In a way I’am…

I can only loose so many feathers…before I can’t fly anymore, and fly I must.

I will soar high up in the heavenly skies, I will think of you when I’m well.

I will fly in search for just a moment, a place of ease where I can rebuild and be reborn.

Out of my ashes I will feel again, trust again, love again.

So long my love…

I truly love you.


Mapping what I want.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Actually I’ve already wrote out the list.

Here are the categories of my life list, hehehe, ¬†Home, Mate, Career, Health. All I need now is to get some photos. I’m thinking about making a poster out of it. I’m so unfocused that if I don’t do that, I’d probably float until I die. My cousin calls me ‘the jellyfish’…

Under home I have the following:

  • highrise loft
  • bright
  • ocean or lake view
  • art studio
  • zen

Under Mate:

  • hippie style
  • healthy
  • soft
  • playful
  • cheerful
  • loving
  • centered
  • stable
  • beautiful


  • art
  • college/university teacher
  • $4000 per month
  • east or west coast and maybe chicago
  • urban
  • fun


  • yoga
  • T.M.
  • balanced
  • light workout
  • sex

Any thoughts? Anyone?

fall 2009

so I decided to give worldpress a try. I don’t think that blogger is bad but I just like to change things once in a while :).

I’m back in The Lou and for the first time, I’m really happy about that.

The Fall season is upon us and it just happens to be my favorite season. I think I’ll need to find me a lover for the cold season.
Wouldn’t it be cool to find a lover for just the seasons? Almost like a lease with option to renew…hum, I think I’m on to something. It would take a whole lot of imaginary pressure off.

So I’m so confused.

I think it’s more confusing because I made the mistake of thinking that I would never be confused like that again, hehehe.
I feel so weird and lost, yes lost and scared.
I feel my life has been flipped upside down yet nothing has changed…weird.
The change must be in me. It’s stemming out of me. Maybe that’s why it’s so scary. If it was coming from the outside, I could hide within me. Where would I hide now, LOL. I have nowhere to go, hehe.

O Canada

So here I am once again in Ottawa.
This time around I went through Montreal and I have to say it was a much better experience with the custom agents.

I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I feel like I’m at a crossroad, a fork. I’m not sure which way to go. I feel a little weak and vulnerable because I feel lost. I’m not sure of myself anymore.
I haven’t felt this in sooooo long. I think I like it. I’m usually my best when I’m challenged. Either way, I am learning alot about me.

The Zen of Sarcasm

 01. Do not walk behind  me, for I may not lead.
         Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
         Do not  walk beside me either.
         Just pretty much leave me alone.

02.  The journey of a  thousand miles begins
         with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It’s always¬†darkest ¬†before dawn.
¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the ¬†time to do it.
¬†04. ¬†Don’t be ¬†irreplaceable.
¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†If you can’t be ¬†replaced, you can’t be promoted.

05. ¬†Always remember that ¬†you’re unique.¬†
         Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth  of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody ¬†cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize  someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†That way, when you criticize ¬†them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you ¬†don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish  and he will eat for a day.
         Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat  and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone  $20 and never see that person again,
          it was probably a wise  investment.

12. If you tell the ¬†truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the ¬†bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems  normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to  double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your  pocket.

16. A closed mouth  gathers no foot.

17.¬†Duct tape¬†is like ¬†‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe ¬†together.

18. There are two  theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, ¬†you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. ¬†Experience¬†is ¬†something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good  chance to shut up.
 22. Never, under any  circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.

This is how I feel today.

I woke up early today, even before the sun. There was something in the air. I got up and looked out my window and that’s when I saw it, the rain. It was coming like a blanket of haze. I quickly closed the window and went on the covered patio. I laid atop the table with a blanket and pillow as I watched this raging thunder and lighting show express its beauty on the sky’s screen. It was wonderful. I laid there for more than an hour as I watched the sun trying to pierce the clouds.
I was analysing the shapes and color to try to capture this beauty on a canvas but then I stopped. I chose to stop and just watch the show without any intent on copying or saving or anything else. It was complete and so was I.